always looking for a better way to live, in a constant flow of grasping and releasing, rearranging the tiles. stacie is in the middle of sending me a message on twitter when suddenly my account does not exist. i think about trying to eat more slowly, be kinder to old friends, with moderate success in each. last day of sunday school for what may be a long time, because there are other things to focus on and new things to love. i go to two shows in three days (neko case, camera obscura), and have to bail out of a third. i love the rainy days and singing everywhere i go, all the time, everywhere, as long as no one else is very close by. i write plays in unexpected places - inspired after a late nite of church service, in the office. in the cafe on a half-hour lunch break. at my desk. in the car at a stoplight. it seems finished, now - not clean and clear, but now i can see where the math has been going. when standing by myself at shows, i don't mind because my imagination wants to find a place to fit and there's just enough space there. i close my eyes and listen to sounds around me, which ones my brain favours and which find their natural quiet place. i look like a crazy person.
i have always held back certain things in my life, for fear of becoming a grown-up. but if you go running on a regular basis, you have to shower on a regular basis. i find myself scheming for time to weed the garden and cook something from my beautiful new vegetarian cookbook. after years of serving the jealous mistress of indie rock, i find out that clair de lune is the most soothing thing you can listen to in the morning when you're not quite ready to exist. (in the realm of classical music, i don't think you can get much farther from indie than clair de lune. i mean, even i've heard of it.) i love sabbaths, quesadillas made by levi, salads by brittany, and then nothing to do for the rest of the day but sit in the cafe writing letters and reading about luke and acts. my flower seeds are sprouting in the pots in front of my house, and when i look at them i think that nothing could make me happier.
all day long, i will do my work, and listen to belle & sebastian, and wrestle with the pieces of the play that i know aren't quite there yet. i will have coffee with a friend, and go to street fighting class after work. i will buy tiny wedding gifts, and make origami creatures. i will try to live in today, and probably not do the best job. what i hope is that i get better at that - that as i go through life and my future shrinks, i will not pretzel myself trying to hold on to it. i hope that i can learn to see each day as a newly-minted chance to do good, to single other humans out and tell them that they are good, just in case they forgot. chanelle got me a shirt for my birthday, and all it says is: "TODAY IS THE DAY." we joked about how that is my mantra. and maybe it is - because aren't mantras something that you tell yourself over and over, until it becomes true in your soul?
today is the day. let us rejoice.
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