tired as all get out. coffee is nominally effective, putting a small dent in the weariness, or maybe punching a hole at least large enough for basic work functions to get through. there is so much to do this week, and again i ask myself how "living life to the fullest" turned into "please book your weeknite appointments at least two weeks in advance." i want space to plant things and use my new vegetarian cookbook and go for runs and write stories. i think i'm going to look into that when i get back from chicago. some days maintaining a life while having a job seems like an impossible combination. how do people who have families do it? how do you raise children, go to work, clean the house, and care about anything else? how do you have time to get your hair cut or go out for drinks? i see people raising kids and organizing fundraisers. it seems like a miracle.
one more week of sunday school. one more week of ACTion team. hopefully i will not kill anyone's children between now and then. i make no guarantees. i think we're all ready for summer.
this weekend i learned to sift compost and had a party where we made sock puppets. that was neat. it was a joint birthday party. i liked it, but i haven't had a birthday party for the past decade or so, and now i feel like i'm pretty much set for the upcoming decade. (everyone please start getting geared up for my thirty-sixth birthday rager.) and it was good to use my plethora of craft supplies for something other than... wait, why do i have all of those, again?
trying to think hard, lately, without a lot of time for thinking. (and, really, if i had the time, i'd probably use it for digging and crafting and script-writing, so.) i am all about working things out, and there is a fierce combination of imagination and mathematics that live together in my mind and are capable of wreaking all sorts of havoc on the projected futures of myself or anyone i know or anyone i come up with. (someday i will have to write out a blanket apology to all of the characters i've ever made up, because so many of them have suffered at the hands of my fatalist tendencies.) (sidebar: do you believe that any world we create ourselves is by default a world without God, even if we believe that we the creators are made by God? a question for another day.)
i lose track of where i'm going. maybe another sign that i've left my brain alone too often. can brains become untamed? most animals that have been domesticated are domesticated for life, i think, and then when released into the wild they don't know how to find food or ward off predators and they die. but then you can raise a bear cub with a bottle of warm milk and when it's an adult it still might eat you. right? lately i feel like i'm making up everything i say. if what i just said happens to be true, the question with brains is whether they are inherently more wild-bear or parakeet in nature. i suppose everyone's brain is different. at any rate, recently i've begun to suspect my brain of being more the wild-bear type. i don't know if that means that it will turn on me if i don't tend to it constantly, but sometimes it does seem like this unruly thing, operating outside of me and dangerous in that attractive way. (maybe my brain is more the james-dean type than the wild-bear type, now that i think of it. there's such a fine line between those two.) and now when i try to settle down to some steady thinking, i find myself giving up before i've even really started.
but maybe that's for the best, you know. when i get ahold of a solid pattern of thought, it's hard for me to let go before i reach a dead end. i am always looking for the dead end.
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